life moves faster than you think
Friday, October 12, 2018
i look at myself in the mirror.
my eyes feel heavy...not with age, but with unshed tears.
i study the pores, the wrinkles, the lines, the sun damage blotches that are
painted across my cheeks - none of those bother me.
no, it's my puffy eyes. they are desperately trying to
shield the world and myself from seeing too deeply.
there's a silent voice that speaks no words, but needs to
be heard and understood. i keep busy and do all the responsible adult things,
willing myself to be normal, but it's not working.
i need to sit and own this feeling...be truly honest, be
truly raw and unfiltered. however, finding the right door to walk through isn't
easy - i want a logical stream of consciousness, but instead, i find myself in
a box with multiple balls and lasers bouncing off the walls and surfaces. i
have no idea how to catch any of them, let alone follow and keep track of all
their directions. and the more i try, the more i find myself mentally and
emotionally bruised and burned.
i could walk out of this room and close the door behind
me, but what i really want to be is radical - to see myself smashing the
walls and glass to free everything...watch the balls and laser beams following
their kinetic trajectory in full force.
the truth - i hurt.
i want a child. i want to get pregnant. i want to
experience motherhood. but none of these things have happened yet - in part
because i'm a master of sabotage and self-sabotage. my hormones are off and my
ovulation cycles aren't launching properly. i have a 5% chance of getting
pregnant, and like many woman my age opting for the IUI approach, i want to be
part of the successful statistics. but there are so many factors that could
turn this into a failure...and so far, i know i've unconsciously misguided
myself with half-fast intentions and convictions.
old habits and old narratives die slow deaths.
2018 was supposed to be the year where I was to be more
selfish. but life has been a blur...we're already in the last stretch of the
year with the leaves finally starting to change. it won't be long before
i'll be looking up at the last few stragglers still gripping firmly to the
branches, almost daring me to reach up and pluck them to join their friends and
family on the ground.
like the attached leaves, i'm still unwilling to let go,
despite the universe telling me and showing me that life could be different. i
want to dare greatly, but self-doubt and fear are old friends, turning my
intentions of self-care into binge-eating, tv watching and social media
addictions.
that's what's behind the puffy eyes - the truth that i've
been hard on myself and not hard enough. i keep holding on too hard to the
wrong things - my self-pity and my self-doubt, while not holding hard enough to
my intentions nor fully owning actions to do everything possible to make things
happen. had i played my cards right and really committed right from the start,
i might have been closer to being part of the 5% club of mamas. but i'm not.
it's a humbling realization.
"you must make a choice, to take the chance, or your life will never change."
"intentions can change reality."
"be a priority in your life."
"stop waiting. life moves faster than you think."
life is moving fast - i see that as my little nieces and
nephew grow and develop month after month. i'm on side with time, and though
sometimes it makes me anxious running in synch together, the steps i'm taking
to make things happen are worth it. i'm learning to do things in good faith, and
now having a better understanding of what being true to myself means
to me...or more precisely, how it feels. i've often heard celebs and other
social media influencers talk about "being true to themselves", but i
always found it to be something shallow and hallow: it's the soundbyte of the
decade. but how could i have known what it was or how it would feel? i've never
made myself a priority in life. that's the intention i have put forward - i am
a priority in my life and this is the choice i am making.
0 comments