No profound secrets to reveal in this post. Just feeling reflective and wanting to explore.

Of late, I've been thinking back to one of my crisis sessions from a year ago. We did a simple exercise where my counsellor would start a sentence and I had to complete it with the first thought that came to mind. It was a verbal exercise so I don't have a record of my responses. I found the exercise difficult, drawing a blank or feeling blocked with the majority of the sentences.  Except for one.

"I see man as...a little boy."

That phrase stuck with me. On the bus ride home that day, I kept repeating the sentence over and over and over again. Why did I respond this way? I texted one of my friends and asked her to finish the phrase and she came up with "I see man as...a rock...something stable, protective and reliable."


My romantic self agreed...that's the way I wanted to answer...to be able to see man as something solid, someone I could lean into, and someone who will shield me. But my impulse was still to see man as a little boy:

• a little boy can't hurt me 
• a little boy is innocent
• a little boy is giving and kind
• a little boy is lovable
• a little boy is beautiful

A little boy...there is no risk of feeling vulnerable, intimidated, or humiliated. There is no risk of feeling powerless or paralyzed.  In a little boy, I see the hope and potential of an honourable and loving man who he will one day become.  With a little boy, I have no fear...oddly, I feel safe.  On the flip side, I see myself as a woman who is the nurturer, the protector, the provider, the mother.

But I don't want a relationship with a little boy (I do want a boy, a child...but that's a future blog subject).  I want a relationship with a man...a rock, a mutual partner.  This skewed perception is one of my barriers that I need to overcome, and to be able to move beyond the distrust that I feel about myself and of men. I've challenged myself to not only spend more time with my male friends, but to openly communicate with them as well on how I feel about relationships, my past and what I'm going through.  As I do, I work through the feelings that arise. My male friends help me to look beyond the old negative set of impressions I have about myself and men. They are the same things my female friends have expressed to me, but in the current space I occupy, hearing it from my male friends means that much more.  It restores my faith that I thought lost - that not all men are assholes. I'm still working on setting the boundaries so that I don't improperly validate my sense of self. With each step, I also work on being honest with myself - I acknowledge my feelings and I work on sharing and being transparent about how I feel.

These days, the form of a little boy is transforming, and the outline of man is becoming clearer.  I'd like to think it's a work in progress...

This post has been percolating and brewing in my thoughts since the inception of this blog. I haven't been able to articulate what it is I want to say...so I write, edit and delete this post each time I sit in front of my computer.  Perhaps I'm just not ready to say what it is I want to say...but I push forward hoping that in writing, things will reveal itself.

The Internet is a fascinating and vast place. I believe there are a number of people who have queried words and phrases in search of answers. I know I do. I have this innate need to understand, to decipher, to unravel, to find...something, anything...that will help make sense of things, especially now more than ever. I can't remember what compelled me to google "child abuse" and "rape", but one night, I landed on the HAVOCA website. On their homepage was a table with the title "From Victim to Survivor to Thriver" by Barbara Whitfield.  Initially, when I read that title, I had already labelled myself a Survivor...after all, I was self-aware of my secrets and situation, and I had my "Type A" personality working on my behalf to ensure that my life was in control.

As I read through the Victim column, my head and heart began to spin. My inner ME began to silently scream, "Yes, yes, yes!  That's how I feel...that's what I do...THAT'S HOW I SEE MYSELF!"

There is truly nothing more humbling as an experience as when you face your shining honest self, and "denial" hurriedly scurries back into the shadows.  It was one of the most powerful moments in my life, the night I faced the hidden secret I kept from myself.

Secret Reveal #4: I am still a Victim
Some of the statements/phrases that resonated with me:

• I don't deserve nice things, 
• hyper vigilant, 
• damaged, 
• confused & numbness, 
• overwhelmed by the past, 
• my stories/secrets stay hidden, 
• I place my own needs last.

This revelation stunned me and yet, I also felt a sense of liberation. I realized, for the past two decades, I had NEVER acknowledged to myself that I am/was a Victim. I was so desperate to continue with my life and to project the impression that I was OK.  I got caught up with the idea of "I am a Survivor" that I convinced myself that's who I was. In doing so, I skipped a number of important steps in my healing process.

The chart certainly shed a lot of light into my own personal motivations, my behaviour in relationships and my approach to life.  But more importantly, it helped straighten the view and perceptions I had about myself that was created over 20 years ago...and hence, the re-writing of my personal narrative begins with this acceptance. I have yet to reach true Survivor status...I am striving for it, and with the help of my counsellor and now my group therapy sessions, I know I am well on my way towards that goal.