friday night - out with my girlfriends to celebrate my birthday. checked out a new restaurant, later, crossed the street to a check out the sex shop, then finished the night playing a game of pool. the outcome, i made a purchase at the sex shop and i really suck at playing pool.

saturday - left home early in the morning with my westie to cheer my parents off as they participated in the ride for dad motorcycle parade. the rest of the day, i was laid up on the couch or floor in utter misery, trying to comprehend how i've developed seasonal allergies at my age. passed out by 8pm.

sunday - caught up on coronation street (my little vice and the only soap opera i will admit to watching), followed by an hour of work as a teaching assistant for a basic obedience training course at the canine school. finished the day working on a blog post.

monday - woke up at 4 am today and dragged myself into work. on the car ride in, i plan and visualize my day and what i will accomplish. but then life steps in. it's waving a huge red flag. soon as i get on the elevator, my colleague starts asking me about a former colleague of ours. we gather into the office of another colleague and learn...our friend and former co-worker was found murdered on saturday night.

saturday - while i was laid up on the couch in the afternoon, trying to find allergy remedies, my friend's body was discovered.

sunday - while i was watching coronation street, the police were questioning my friend's ex-boyfriend where he confesses his crime.

monday - while at work today, through social media and phone calls, we reconnected with former colleagues to share the tragic news, hugged our friends, shed some tears, and remembered our vivacious, funny and wonderful friend.

it's been raining for most of the day - a consistent and persistent rain. i imagine rain droplets as little molecular soldiers, all with a mission to land and penetrate the soil. there's a respite at the moment...the rain on pause. despite the rain, lady humidity lingers about making herself at home. lady humidity and i aren't friends...i find her presence annoying. for now, i'm willing to tolerate her presence...better her than the hoards of unwanted pollen that have been dancing about in the air for the past few weeks.

i look at my list of draft posts, debating whether to finish one of the dozen or so blogs that I've started or to start a new one. i'll be honest, i'm not feeling particularly inspired at the moment. but i do have the urge to do something...to unleash myself and feel the rawness, to be humbled, and to fall forward. i also have an urge for a coffee and cigarette.

i'm single and i struggle with depression and personal demons. on a rainy day like today, it would be so easy to fall into myself. but i look over to my wall of post-it notes and i'm reminded of the goal i set out for myself on my 40th birthday last year - to do 40 remarkable things, big and small. it's not meant to be a bucket list, but a reminder to myself that i don't live in a rut. i'm reminded of a recent The Time of My Life by cecelia ahern, where the protagonist lucy silchester has an appointment with her life and she has no choice but to meet it face to face. in the end, lucy sums it up quite nicely:

"as long as you're around, your life is too. so just as you shower love and affection on the husbands, wives, parents, children and forever friends who surround you, you have to do so equally with your life, because it's yours, it's you, and it's always there rooting for you, cheering you on, even when you feel like you can't do it. i gave up on my life for a while, but what i've learned is that even when that happens and especially when that happens, life never gives up on you. mine didn't. and we'll be there for each other until those final moments when we will look at each other and say, 'thanks for staying until the end.' and that's the truth."

i've done just that this past year - found ways to invite life back into my life - to celebrate with it. in other aspects, i removed things that no longer had purpose or were hindering my life. i didn't reach my goal of 40, but that's not important - i tried, and along the way, learned things about myself.

1. attended the rcmp musical ride - i've never been on the grounds of the rcmp stables to see the musical ride - i've toured the facilities and will often try to go out at dusk while the horses get some freedom to roam the fields. but it was impressive to see the riders in unison. bonus: my neighbour was performing as one of the riders.
2. tried a new recipe - can't remember which one prompted me to write this, but i started a pinterest board of the recipes i have tried and liked. 
3. got rid of my landline - i'm now living the cellular life. this was an exercise of letting go.
4. met my idol rebecca caine -  i fell in love with her voice as christine in phantom of the opera and cosette in les miserables. i fell in love with rebecca even more when at the concert, she performed a song that was once performed by deanna durbin, my ultimate idol. i belted out showtunes on the car ride home. 
5. said good-bye to my honda civic, welcomed a toyota yaris - another exercise of letting go. my honda civic and i had a 17 year relationship and to let her go, that was hard. 
6. finished the book "saved by a poem" by kim rosen - i had had the book for over a year and finally was able to return it to its owner. bonus: a few months later, through serendipity, i ran into its owner, my former counsellor.
7. saw spiegelworld, an adult only circus show - i've seen circus shows, hell, i even dated and slept with a clown, but this show was funny, sexy, sensual and mildly dirty. 
8. i went camping - solo car camping in fact, with hewey. i wasn't sure how hewey would do so we slept in my new toyota yaris, and as a little bonus, we car camped in a walmart parking lot too. 
9. went to the CNE - i didn't try any rides as i was there for work, but it was an experience unto itself. 
10. enrolled into a dog trainer certification program - it was an intense first semester and i still feel there is so much to learn about dog behaviour, cognition and training. unfortunately, i had to postpone the second semester to the following year. 
11. went through jury selection process - i did my civic duty and presented myself at court. i was excused as i had a business trip scheduled. i do however still wish to be part of a jury one day - as long as its not a sexual assault case. 
12. attended the scotiabank nuit blanche - from 6pm to 6am, i ran all around toronto to see the various works by artists. i'll never attend this event again. i simply wasn't impressed with the thematics nor the curation, and each year it gets worse.
13. got rid of my office shelf - another exercise in letting go, but happy that it has found a new home and used to keep all my nieces toys organized.
14. cancelled a credit card - another exercise in letting go, and a continued effort to declutter and simplify my life. 
15. held a stag beetle - it was quite remarkable to be holding such a large bettle and have it crawl up my arm. stag beetle i can handle. spiders crawling up my arms, no.
16. ate a chocolate covered cricket - the best comparison would be, it was like eating chocolate covered rice crispies, only a better protein option! i doubt i'm ready to eat slugs though *shudder*
17. submitted my cv and resume - i seek new challenges and new opportunities at work. to keep my options open, i need to keep my resume in circulation. 
18. hired as a dog trainer teaching assistant - an opportunity to work with clients and their dogs, while at the same time applying what i've learned. 
19. held a snake and i liked it! - i understand the fascination of snakes now that i've held one. it was an amazing experience to feel their muscle contractions as they moved, as well as feel the delicate flicker of their tongue on my skin. 
20. attended my first meet-up event - a friend and i challenged each other to attend 1 social gathering a month and to expand our network. so as my first meet-up, i picked an introduction meet up sessions for we are the ducklings. it snowed 50cm that night and i still made it out. 
21. signed up to be a we are the ducklings member - in a future post, i'll write about this group and why i joined. 
22. attended my first art battle - it was an amazing experience to watch artists create a painting in 20 minutes. bonus: i bought a painting!
23. volunteered with habitat for humanities - not wanting to give up using my volunteer day, i signed up with habitat for humanities - used a drill, sawed and painted walls/ceilings. all in all, a great day!
24. groomed a horse - well a pony really. i could have spent the whole afternoon brushing its mane.
25. de-boned a leg of lamb - i had watched a number of videos on how it's done, but in the end, a one-on-one tutorial with a chef is so much better. 
26. attended nature nocturne - it was an adult night at the museum with really expensive drinks, dj music and poorly lit fashion show. i doubt i'll ever attend another nature nocturne event. 
27. made cold-pressed soap - it was a group event, but now that i'm using my hand-made soap, i'd love to try it again with different essential oils. 
28. accepted a new work assignment - i've been given the chance to challenge myself, finally!
29. found a lost dog - put to use all the lessons i've learned about dog behaviour and watching dog rescue videos.
30. attended my 1st canine seminar - while much of the presentation repeated things i've learned in class and through the reactive rover classes, it was still a great opportunity to be in a room with so many other dog trainers, rescue works and pet owners. 
31. visited an organic farm - well a commercial organic farm, cuz lets face it, my parents garden is a fully organic farm as well. but they don't have a pen with 100 chicks!
32. donated blood - well, i gave a pint of my blood and still waiting to hear if my blood is usable. along the way, i got to meet and interact with network of friends.
33. attended a school of sex workshop - it was part of a we are the duckling event. as an event planner, i was disappointed. but on a personal front, it challenged me to meet and talk with other men. the resulting experience will most likely be a future blog post.
34. signed up for sex therapy workshop - the subject is on body image and it finishes with a boudoir photo shoot! Time to add some new articles of clothing to my wardrobe!

i have a bieber song in my head. it's been stuck there since the morning with the refrain "sorry" repeating itself like a broken record. i give credit to the kid - the song has a catchy tune, but i'm no bielieber. and with the mood i'm in right now, it's not improving my emotional state.

i think of poet Kim Rosen and her teachings. i suspect there's something in the lyrics that has nicked my nerves. a quick google search for the lyrics drums up hundreds of web results and i choose one, skimming over the words - literally, a fast read. i make sure not to connect with the words - i have the tune stuck in my head, i have no desire to have the lyrics "written on the bones," as Kim would say. no, i'm in no mood for either forgiveness or second chances - these being the words that pop out from the screen. i keep the veil of cynicism cloaked around me, guarding all my supressed frustrations and annoyances. it forms a slick layer of grease on my skin and it irritates me further.

it's february and the weather is fucking gorgeous. the sun shines brightly outdoors - the light bouncing off the white snow. it's a scene that is postcard perfect, and yet, i feel like it's mocking me. i imagine all the people outside soaking in their required vitamin D, and a battery symbol with the percentage of the charge level above each of their heads.

who is at full?
who is maximizing their efficiency for their charge to last?
who is running on empty?
and their charge level, is that indicative also of their level of happiness?

i want to be happy. i often pretend i'm happy - the mask goes on and i resemble someone who has their shit together. but i'm on the verge of cracking. i slip - i keep forgetting to lock my door at night. i gorge on food and smoke cigarettes. i wring my hands and clasp them tightly. i sink back into the hole in the sidewalk. i disconnect. and this all irritates the shit out of me too.


distractions - i seek them out. i'm on edge and the bieber song isn't helping me - it's like chinese water torture. i want to drown out the song - avoidance is flashing like a warning signal, its message coursing through all the neuro pathways. i pick a romantic comedy from my on-line library - happythankyoumoreplease. i have no idea what the film is about - i simply need an escape. if i get a few laughs out of it, bonus.

but then i freeze. pablo schreiber is in this film. shit.

(a little context - up to this point, i've only ever seen schreiber in Law and Order SVU, where he plays a very convincing serial rapist, william lewis. his portrayal of this character has plagued and challenged my anxieties over the years - he embodies and reminds me so vividly of my own rapist - manipulative, controlling, expressionless, a predator.)

there are clearly messages that the universe keeps leaving at my door step, and no matter how many distractions i put up as obstacles, that knock on the door isn't going away. it's schreiber's character in the film, charlie, where i gain a bit of insight:

“Did you play sports when you were a kid? D’you remember ‘walk it off’. No matter what happened right? I mean your eye-ball could be hanging out of its socket, coach would run over, scoop you up; ‘Hey you’re alright kid just walk it off.’ And I’m sure a few of those times I was legitimately hurt, but just having this concept, walk it off, as a way to, I don’t know, heal myself, it worked. I just walked that shit off.”

walk it off. it's as simple as that. it's not about running to escape, but walking it off to heal. i do just that. it feels good to get the legs moving and breathing in the crisp winter air. i have no destination in mind, so i head to the local mom and pop shop to check my lottery numbers. i don't win anything, but i buy another set for the following draw. who knows, maybe with a little thank you, more please, i might win something more.

as i continue on my walk, i sense a lightness - i seize the chance and face the yet undefined thing that is causing me distress. the blurry edges come into focus and hones in on my anxieties. ghomeshi. there's a whole media storm going on right now. i cringe when i read the onslaught of questions posed by defence counsel to the victims. the chatter around the trial is everywhere and it overwhelms me. but ultimately, i hate how defence is painting a picture of "you liked boy, you sexted with boy, you wanted boy" with a timeline detailed and outlined for all to see. i acknowledge defence counsel is doing her job, but i find it hard not to take it personally - with each question, i find myself reflecting back to my own actions or inactions. did i do/say something that could be perceived as consent to cause the outcome of my rape?

i remind myself that this isn't my trial and i'm not on any stand to be judged. the debates, the dialogue, the comments - these are needed to effectuate change, and though it may at times make me uncomfortable and vulnerable, i need not fear it. and if it does, well, i just need to buy a pair pf new runners so that i can walk that shit off.