Not a full week passed before the social media and news stratosphere exploded with the next sensational item.  From attacks on our Canadian soldiers and symbols to the now infamous essay by a former CBC host and the subsequent media blitz, it's been a very difficult week.  My emotions are on edge and I wish nothing more than to crawl into my little hole in the sidewalk. 

While the former inspires my sense of courage and resilience, the latter only triggers the memories and thoughts of my recent past, and the knot in my stomach just clenches tighter and tighter.

He may have gotten his side of the story out first, but being the aggressor, it's his way of manipulating the situation to maintain and control the power imbalance. At least, that's my view of it.

In some ways, I resent having all this media focused on this topic - I don't want to be thinking about it.  I don't want to feel the things I'm feeling, in particular, the sense of shame that weighs deep within me. A part of me is trying to stay objective - I don't have all the facts, I don't know the full story of either sides, so how can I be in position to judge and lay verdict?  I know that we have an opportunity here to engage in dialogue, discussion, and demand action that will bring about meaningful change in our societal attitudes and how we treat one another, regardless of consent.

I hate this kind of vulnerable...I'm focused on not letting his story or their stories deter me from my own healing journey. It's easy for me to feel compassion for these women, because it hits close to home and what I've experienced.  But I hate how shame is creeping back in...I hate how it's smirking at me. 

To consent or not to consent...

I did not consent.

I didn't consent 25 years ago. 

I didn't consent 19 years ago. 

I didn't consent 2 years ago.

But I am still here...feeling exposed, shaken...eventually, I'll get the perspective that I need to overcome all this...but for now, it's just one day at a time...

I started writing this blog post a few days ago to explore some anxieties I was experiencing, but they all seem so mute in light of this past week's events - two soldiers murdered, the Parliament breached, the suspect shot dead by the Sergeant-in-Arms, and buildings in lockdown. It was like an episode of 24, only it wasn't Keifer Sutherland in the camera frame with special effects and stunts, there was no script or movie soundtrack, and there were no re-takes. In a country and capital that doesn't often see this kind of chaos, it brings about a different perspective and a new sense of vulnerability.  Hearing of former colleagues who witnessed the shooting to seeing images of a friend escorted out of a building amidst a swarm of armed police or seeing the evidence of bullet holes in the walls where I have walked through Parliament before...it all seems surreal.

I waited for the all the political leaders to address Canadians...waiting for our fearless leader to send out a message of reassurance, but the one delivered by Justin Trudeau spoke to me the most.

"...In the days that follow, there will be questions, anger and perhaps confusion. This is natural, but we cannot let it get the better of us. Losing ourselves to fear and speculation is the intention of those who commit these heinous acts.

They mean to shake us. We will remain resolved.

They want us to forget ourselves. Instead, we should remember.

We should remember who we are. We are a proud democracy, a welcoming and peaceful nation, and a country of open arms and open hearts. We are a nation of fairness, justice and the rule of law.

We will not be intimidated into changing that.

If anything, these are the values and principles to which we must hold on even tighter. Our dedication to democracy and the institutions we have built is the foundation of our society. And a continued belief in both will guide us correctly into the future. Staying true to our values in a time of crisis will make us an example to the world.

Criminals cannot and will not dictate to us how we act as a nation, how we govern ourselves or how we treat each other. They cannot and will not dictate our values. And they do not get to decide how we use our shared public spaces.

Today we heard about a loss of innocence in Canada. This is inaccurate. Canada is not innocent to the threats we face, and we know that we are not immune. What is true is that we have not let those threats shape us, and we have never bowed to those who mean to undermine our values and way of life. We have remained Canadians. And this should be how we will carry on."

We will remain resolved: I remember attending a fundraising event for the Japanese tsunami victims where the then Japanese Ambassador to Canada Kaoru Ishikawa calmly stated, "Each of us must do what we must do."  We have been shaken and I still feel twisted inside each time I see images in the media of that day and the victims. But my hope for my national capital is that celebrations in shared public spaces continue and as Trudeau says, that we don't lose ourselves to fear and overreaction.

We should remember who we are:  This is a call to all of us to be true to ourselves as well as our nation - to uphold our values and commitment to democracy, respect and compassion for each other and ourselves, and to remain resilient as we walk through the challenges and chaos despite our feelings of vulnerability. While Trudeau says we should hold on even tighter, it shouldn't mean that we hold so tight that we become inflexible otherwise this could become our Achilles' heel. 

I'm no athlete. I'm uncoordinated, my reflexes are slow. And team sports, I'm certainly no champion player.

Regardless, I signed up to participate in a Sports League.  A friend encouraged me to sign up, as did my counsellor - it offers opportunities to meet new people and a chance to step outside of my comfort zone.

Each week, before the game, I am filled with dread and anxiety. Between my lack of confidence in my athletic skills and all the doubts of my old self trying to clamor and push their way back in, I struggle with the urge to stay home and hide.

Tonight was no exception. I was tested on so many fronts - physically, mentally, emotionally and socially.  As I laced up my shoes and faced the other team, I felt the anxiety within me crescendo, building momentum, drumming and pulsing louder and stronger.  I thought I was going to be sick. I felt like I was going to have a manic episode right on the volleyball court. I could feel my body begin to quiver, my hands ready to wring in the air, my heart beating, my breathing going erratic. My flight responses were cued and ready.

And then...I took a little moment. As my counsellor would say, "Slow down."

I acknowledged the anxiety.

I used my frenetic feelings and energies to my advantage by channeling it within me as needed - to my feet, my arms, my vision, my voice, my lungs. I became more focused and ironically, I also became aware of a different feeling - the sense of inhibition and freedom.  That simply acknowledgement enabled me to trigger a fight response, and for the critical mind to sit out this round on the bench and letting the body and instincts to take the lead to accomplish what needed to be accomplished.  This awareness to me symbolizes my transition from survivor mode to thriver mode. And this makes me all kinds of happy. I found myself fearlessly flying after the volleyball, I found my voice to call the ball or to ask for help and my body memory quickly came back with my old serving routine - bounce the ball three times, spin the ball in my palm three times, and then recalling my father's voice not to let my eyes leave the ball as my fist made contact for the serve.

As the cliche goes, it's easier said than done. A year ago, I would have been discouraged and frustrated with not comprehending how to process my feelings, how to overcome my anxieties, or how to move forward. With time and space, acceptance  is like a Zamboni - it clarifies and cleans the surface, making it safer and level for the self to come out and play. And once that happens, there is a greater purpose for one to jump onto the court and kick, catch, and throw your way through the process. It forces the body, mind and heart to work together as a team, to let go of what they can't control, and to trust and be in awe of the unknown.

I'm grateful I've chosen to fight my way though my anxieties because through each experience, I've gained so much more in fighting than if I had chosen to flee.