sitting in my home office, i'm patiently waiting for the telecom agent to write back to me.
i'm on a "chat hold".
from time to time,  the bottom of the chat screen reads Agent is typing.

i don't want a data plan on my phone...i'm strictly a talk and text gal, and agent sherwil is investigating and providing me with explanations. turns out the telecom giant changed my plan without my consent to a plan with a built-in data-provision.

hell no! those bastards!
thinking to lull me into using their data plan unknowingly and BAM...charge me extra fees to line their pockets...or worse, the thieves charge me the data-provisioning fee even though i don't use their data.

fuck you!

if i wanted the service, i can make my own decisions and choices thank you very much! i'm seething, but it's not agent sherwil's fault - and so i remain polite and mind my p's and q's, addressing him by name as often as i can. that's what a negotiator does right? try to make a connection to make the other person feel at ease? i accept the explanation he provides me and the reassurance that the data-provision is now blocked from my plan.

though a part of me wants to fight the $10 charge, it's really not worth my time and effort. my energies are needed elsewhere.

the emotions from this betrayal from my service provider is helping to keep me distracted from other thoughts and feelings. i want to ride this out a little longer...a mix of vindication and consumer righteousness. i found purpose and achieved it. (yeah!)

but it's all classic avoidance though from having to face the real issue at heart. earlier today, on the car ride home, i let the feelings of unworthiness, jealousy and disappointment wash over me. car rides and tears...there is something about driving alone in the car that often triggers me, and i don't know why. perhaps because being in a car alone i ironically feel safe enough to permit myself to be vulnerable, despite the potential risk of being in an accident if simple tears should turn into blinding tears and gasping sobs. 

and lets not forget, the odd looks i would get from the other drivers...cuz as humans, we're drawn to staring at things we have difficulty processing. i know i would be curious as hell and wondering from inside my car..."why she crying? what's got her down?" and for the rest of the car ride home, i'd be directing a whole hollywood storyboard and netflix production in my mind. yes ma'am...i am the showrunner of my imagination. but i digress...

it's mother's day this weekend. but i'm not a mother. i have never been a mother. i have no dependents. so on such a weekend...women like me, what are we to do? how are we to be celebrated? especially those of us who have been trying without success. where's our hallmark consideration? and how do we voice it...voice our pain of not being able to celebrate being a non-mother and still acknowledge our desire for motherhood and to love as mother's love their family.

in recent years, on social media, i've seen more and more posts acknowledging how mother's day is not easy for all women, but it hasn't gone mainstream enough. and certainly, businesses and consumer economic drivers are clueless in their role in propagating the standard messages. my own mother isn't aware of my own struggles and desires for motherhood - her longstanding position being that should i become a single mother, it would be a problem. i've long accepted her disapproval on my choices to go it alone - but neither have i shared with her my attempts at trying to get pregnant over the past year. i'll be celebrating mother's day with her, all the while, working on holding it together - because either the day i do become pregnant, or the day i stop trying - only then, would i consider letting her in on everything i've done or tried to do to become a mother.

so to the women out there without children of their own...i wish you a happy non-mother's day and may you still be celebrated and acknowledged for being a strong female presence within your family circle.