I feel like I'm unraveling and so I'm doing what I do best...chasing numbness.  

When things got overwhelming, I used to hunker down and immerse myself in work, letting the hours of the day disappear into each other.  I would gorge myself in food without tasting anything. I would pick up my one evil vice (smoking cigarettes) for that momentary weightless buzz.  I used to find satisfaction in all that...it was my way of controlling what I couldn't control.

I'm wanting to fall back on these old habits. When in a state of numbness, I felt I was achieving things because I could be productive. I was validated by the sense that I was giving what others wanted and needed. I wasn't going to let them fall into the hole in the sidewalk. I was their silent and invisible hero, and my workaholic identity defined me.

But there is no muse in numbness.

There is no life in numbness. 

There is no authentic self in numbness.

The old me would chase numbness and find comfort in this state of being. It was all that I knew. My mind was sharp and like a machine, the synapses would fire off and life would be effective and efficient. Eat. Sleep. Work. Repeat. I saw myself as a machine, but unlike a machine, there is a heart that beats and from time to time, echos of desires and dreams rang in the hallows of the mind. The mind didn't want any part of it though. To silence these whispers, more fuel would be added to numbness and with Xena like zenith, I would tackle and dive into my work - the goal being to defeat the multitude of deadlines and additional responsibilities, no matter the cost to my self.  

Now - I see before me a mountain of things I need to overcome both on a professional and personal level...but there is no hole in the sidewalk to fall into.  It's one of the outcomes of being on this journey - I've gained that perspective of facing things instead of hiding from myself. And now that I've built that bridge over the hole in the sidewalk, there is no place to hide.  The urge to follow my sense of responsibility and commitment to work is strong but I'm not ready to let go of the person I've been nurturing simply to turn my whole self over to work. My mind and heart has been on a journey together these past few years and they have developed a relationship based on understanding and acceptance.  And to surrender myself to numbness isn't something either wants.

And so what do I do? 

I think part of the answer is in the dream that I had a few nights ago.  In my dream, I was dancing the waltz with a colleague, only we were doing a terrible job of it - my footing was off, I was off beat and I kept stumbling. It was nothing but frustrating, and I was plagued with shame and a sense that I was letting my colleague down. I was failing miserably as a partner.  I wasn't holding up my part. A teacher stepped in and took the lead, but I continued to stumble over my feet.  He then stopped me and said, "Relax, just follow."

There are so many ways I can interpret this - but the main message I take away from this - now is the time to follow both the desires of the heart and mind.

Professionally, now is the time to follow new challenges. I'll maintain my commitment to my current team, but I no longer hold that sense of obligation to stay and be the glue to keep them together. Others have left to pursue new jobs, I'm allowed to do the same. 

The desire to move on professionally also has personal implications.  I'm nearing the point of no return in my personal life. I want a life of my own that isn't immersed in numbness. This past week, I had numerous colleagues come into my cubicle asking about my time spent with my niece.  As a proud aunt, I gave funny anecdotes about the experience and expressed how she's a wonderful and perfect little baby.  But here's a secret:

Secret Reveal #8: On the 4hr drive to visit my sister and my new born niece, I cried all the way. I should have been eager and excited but instead, I was fraught with despair that no amount of numbness could ease.  Numbness can't replace the desire to experience motherhood.  Should I chose to stay in the industry I'm employed, it simply doesn't provide the quality of life or time to raise a child. A part of me was ashamed with myself for being so selfish, and though I cherished those precious moments with my little niece, I was also equally aware of the hallow numbness.  I'm going to be the best aunt that I can be, but I can't deny I want it all for myself as well.