This post has been percolating and brewing in my thoughts since the inception of this blog. I haven't been able to articulate what it is I want to say...so I write, edit and delete this post each time I sit in front of my computer.  Perhaps I'm just not ready to say what it is I want to say...but I push forward hoping that in writing, things will reveal itself.

The Internet is a fascinating and vast place. I believe there are a number of people who have queried words and phrases in search of answers. I know I do. I have this innate need to understand, to decipher, to unravel, to find...something, anything...that will help make sense of things, especially now more than ever. I can't remember what compelled me to google "child abuse" and "rape", but one night, I landed on the HAVOCA website. On their homepage was a table with the title "From Victim to Survivor to Thriver" by Barbara Whitfield.  Initially, when I read that title, I had already labelled myself a Survivor...after all, I was self-aware of my secrets and situation, and I had my "Type A" personality working on my behalf to ensure that my life was in control.

As I read through the Victim column, my head and heart began to spin. My inner ME began to silently scream, "Yes, yes, yes!  That's how I feel...that's what I do...THAT'S HOW I SEE MYSELF!"

There is truly nothing more humbling as an experience as when you face your shining honest self, and "denial" hurriedly scurries back into the shadows.  It was one of the most powerful moments in my life, the night I faced the hidden secret I kept from myself.

Secret Reveal #4: I am still a Victim
Some of the statements/phrases that resonated with me:

• I don't deserve nice things, 
• hyper vigilant, 
• damaged, 
• confused & numbness, 
• overwhelmed by the past, 
• my stories/secrets stay hidden, 
• I place my own needs last.

This revelation stunned me and yet, I also felt a sense of liberation. I realized, for the past two decades, I had NEVER acknowledged to myself that I am/was a Victim. I was so desperate to continue with my life and to project the impression that I was OK.  I got caught up with the idea of "I am a Survivor" that I convinced myself that's who I was. In doing so, I skipped a number of important steps in my healing process.

The chart certainly shed a lot of light into my own personal motivations, my behaviour in relationships and my approach to life.  But more importantly, it helped straighten the view and perceptions I had about myself that was created over 20 years ago...and hence, the re-writing of my personal narrative begins with this acceptance. I have yet to reach true Survivor status...I am striving for it, and with the help of my counsellor and now my group therapy sessions, I know I am well on my way towards that goal.