A reflection of my year of healing
Monday, December 30, 2013I like to write. I don't know if I love it. Perhaps it's more that I need to write. It's a means to sort out my thoughts and feelings - deriving perspective and clarity out of the chaos that I concoct around me. Writing started as a 3rd grade assignment, and I would write about anything and everything - I took to paper like a fish to water. Thoughts, words, expressions, descriptions, plots, character, observations - I would fill out the pages of my notebooks.
Thirty years later, I still keep a journal. I don't write as often as I should. Last week I finished the latest volume and after I did, I went back to the beginning and began to read. Some of the entries were difficult to read - I cried, I felt the confusion, I remembered the anger, I sensed determination and hope - but above all, I am in awe of the distance of the journey I have traveled thus far.
An excerpt from my first 2013 journal entry:
"New Year's Resolution. There was a time when I wanted nothing more than to throw myself head on into life - to persevere and live deliberately. It was my intention to embrace life and to be happy. But to do so, one has to let go of one's baggage and as much as I tried to believe that I had, all I have done is camouflage it. I still want to strive towards Shangri-La, but I now acknowledge that the path ahead is a lot rougher and it won't be easy. There are so many hurdles to overcome, but I want my freedom more...it burns stronger than ever and it is no longer just about "wanting", but a need to face the truth and transform into the phenomenal woman that I am. I deserve happiness and love and this is a fundamental belief I am working to have in all aspects of my life...My goals for 2013 revolves around the three "As" and one "C" - Awareness, Acknowledgement, Acceptance and Commitment".
2013 started off on a good foot - I began a practice of decluttering with a goal to remove 100 items from my house. I have a tendency to "keep" things - not quite a hoarder - but similar justifications would often play in my mind - I might need it, I'll read it later, I'll use it eventually, I'll upcycle it and make something with it - but the items would simply collect dust. My hope was to start letting go of material things, with the eventuality of transferring this approach to letting go of intangible emotions and beliefs like control, shame, guilt, pain and disassociation.
Letting go of these material things has been an interesting exercise, challenging my emotional attachments and rational logic - starting with my awareness, acknowledgement and acceptance of my behaviour, actions or the lack thereof. It was the challenge that I set for myself this past year and I'm proud I reached that goal of decluttering 100 items. Along the way, I have also shed some of the shame and emotions. "Life Edits," as I like to call them, is now something I am committed to as a way of life.
This past year has been full of up and downs, discoveries about myself and though I still haven't gained the sense of Pura Vida and living deliberately, I have learned to be kind and compassionate towards myself, and along the way, gained a greater sense of inner wisdom and closer connection to my authentic self.
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