My first blog entry, and I have writer's block already...

I'm overwhelmed by the sheer number of stories I want to explore, but on a journey of healing towards the authentic self, where does one start?

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step ~ Proverb."

Many steps and missteps later, I still find myself on a winding tunnel by myself. Seldom have I invited others to join or follow me, preferring to believe I could do this alone. I would often say to myself, "If uncle Yanagi could climb Mount Everest at 71 years, 2 months and 2 days and break the then-Guinness World Record as the oldest climber to summit Everest, then my little hurdles should be manageable." As a young adult I would rely on my inner "Xena, Warrior Princess" to get me through my self doubts, fortified by the day-time talk shows of Oprah, Montel Williams, Dr. Phil and the likes.

And yet, considering how long I've been on this journey, my steps haven't brought me any closer to my own personal summit. I've faltered. Many times. My untouched self-help books "decorate" my coffee table. I'm plagued by the "why's & how's" of things. I see behavioural patterns repeat themselves but feel powerless to break the cycle. From time to time, I've been able to see life from different angles and perspectives, gaining those precious insight that help propel me to fight for a more fulfilling life.

A few incidents over the past few years however almost derailed me from my journey. But they've also provided the strongest reasons and motivations for taking steps outside of my comfort zone: to seek help, to be honest with myself and to commit to ME. One night in particular, after living through a terrifying experience, I became aware of an emotional regression and a familiar sense of detachment. I don't remember too much of the post-incident experience, but I do remember feeling as if I was teetering on a fence and needing to do something to "fix me". So I called the local crisis centre and made an appointment. In the beginning, I felt extremely awkward in my sessions. I even tried to justify why I didn't need to be there, believing that a few sessions talking to a professional would be sufficient enough to prop me up, validate me and then I could continue along my jolly runway of life.

With a lot of encouragement, I found myself delving deeper, the angles and perspectives slowly coming into focus. Some truths are hard to face but when they crystallize, it feels so right. For me, I realized that I've kept hidden so many "secrets" which were the very reasons for my inability to fully embrace my authentic self and live the satisfied life I so desperately desired. Armed with this honest view of myself, I began re-reading one of those self-help books I haven't been able to finish ~ The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People by David Niven, Ph.D. Within the second paragraph of the introduction, I was struck by a saying from the author's psychology professor, Harry Gilman:

"Why play 'I got a secret' your entire life?"

Bazinga! Why do I play these games with myself? This phrase grounded my sense of being and gave me the momentum to share and reveal my secrets during my sessions and uncover things about myself. But outside in my daily life, I still felt like I a fake. I then came across Frank Warren's video on TED about his Post Secret project, inviting people to reveal their most deepest or embarrassing secrets anonymously. He begins his talk with this perspective:

"There are two kinds of secrets, the ones we hide from others, and those we keep from ourselves." 

Double bazinga! I felt like the window was flung wide open for me to see further out into the world and for the first time, i really sensed that my steps were leading me down the right path. I knew I kept secrets from others, and from this new angle, I began to understand the truths i had kept hidden from myself. This would be one of the many revelations to a stronger authentic self - standing between the inner me guarding all my secrets and the outer me who did her best to portray the successful Type A woman, but my life would never be whole unless I could merge the two selves. The Post Secret project and its anonymity offered one approach for a release. But in hiding a secret, one secret begets another, and another, and another...and that would require a lot of postcards to send to Frank Warren. So instead, I chose the personal blog option, determined to find my own creative ways to document and give voice to my inner stories. Knowing that I leave myself vulnerable and exposed has me terrified and a little anxious, but I also can't deny the sense of excitement and strong sense of purpose. I also know, the alternative to stay in a rut controlled by fear is simply no longer an option.

So which secret to reveal first? Well, lets take that first step:
Secret reveal #1 ~ I am a victim of child abuse, date rape and rape.