...angles & perspectives...: anger

...and sometimes life catches you off guard...

Monday, June 06, 2016

I hate this kind of vulnerable

Friday, October 31, 2014

Not a full week passed before the social media and news stratosphere exploded with the next sensational item. From attacks on our Canadian soldiers and symbols to the now infamous essay by a former CBC host and the subsequent media blitz, it's been a very difficult week. My emotions are on edge and I wish nothing more than to crawl into my little hole in the sidewalk.

While the former inspires my sense of courage and resilience, the latter only triggers the memories and thoughts of my recent past, and the knot in my stomach just clenches tighter and tighter.

He may have gotten his side of the story out first, but being the aggressor, it's his way of manipulating the situation to maintain and control the power imbalance. At least, that's my view of it.

In some ways, I resent having all this media focused on this topic - I don't want to be thinking about it. I don't want to feel the things I'm feeling, in particular, the sense of shame that weighs deep within me. A part of me is trying to stay objective - I don't have all the facts, I don't know the full story of either sides, so how can I be in position to judge and lay verdict? I know that we have an opportunity here to engage in dialogue, discussion, and demand action that will bring about meaningful change in our societal attitudes and how we treat one another, regardless of consent.

I hate this kind of vulnerable...I'm focused on not letting his story or their stories deter me from my own healing journey. It's easy for me to feel compassion for these women, because it hits close to home and what I've experienced. But I hate how shame is creeping back in...I hate how it's smirking at me.

To consent or not to consent...

I did not consent.

I didn't consent 25 years ago.

I didn't consent 19 years ago.

I didn't consent 2 years ago.

But I am still here...feeling exposed, shaken...eventually, I'll get the perspective that I need to overcome all this...but for now, it's just one day at a time...

anger

There's a Hole in my Sidewalk

Sunday, November 03, 2013

By the fall of 2012, I had started seeing a second counselor and my sessions were going well. I was learning to open up and share things more readily. I was learning what my triggers were. I was learning to deal with my hyper-vigilance. I opened up about my feelings of being out of control. But I was having difficulty accepting the healing process, as well as accepting that there was no clear path to thriver status. The more I tried to move forward, the more frustrated I was with my progress. So during one of my sessions, my counselor shared a poem.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There's a hole in my sidewalk, by Portia Nelson

Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This poem appears in the publication There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery by Portia Nelson. In revisiting this poem for this post, I was struck with the realization that I've been repeating Chapter One and Chapter Two for a greater part of my life. There's a stupid detour sign on my "runway of life" that keeps me looping around "Repeat Road". In my session this past week, my counselor had me read the poem out loud over and over and over again...and I became overwhelmed with emotion. Over the years, as part of my survival tactic I've maintained a calm numbness. But in this session, I was surprised at how much bitterness and anger I carried within myself.

1. The Hole:
Falling into the same hole in the sidewalk is my way of self-sabotaging my progress. It's become a "comfortable state of being"...this dark place is familiar to me...blended into my identity. As comfortable and familiar this place is...the truth of the matter is I HATE this place! It sucks! And even more, I hate how I've made this place so comfortable.

2. I pretend I don't see it / I can't believe I'm in the same place:
I've become very adept at justifying things, disassociating from myself and situations, which are all simply a means of avoidance and denial. But when I'm forced to confront the situation, the result is an ANGRY DISBELIEF. And the more I repeat the cycles of Chapter One and Two, the more the bitterness swells within which has been simmering for years. And I'm angry. I'm angry at myself for falling back into the same hole.

3. It isn't my fault / It is my fault:
The child abuse, the date rape and the rape - I have always readily blamed myself for letting each incident happen. No matter how many times people would tell me "It isn't your fault", I couldn't and still have difficulty believing otherwise. But when the healing process is self-sabotaged, when I fail at losing weight, when I fail at opening up to a potential relationship - I don't take ownership, I don't hold myself accountable. This also makes me angry at myself because logically, I know it should be the reverse - the rape isn't my fault, but my self-sabotaging ways are.

4. It's a habit:
I'm generally the type of person who tries to fix things. The notion of walking around the hole or walking down another street without a hole hasn't sunk in. I'm still trying to fix the hole...either by trying to fill the hole (represented by eating my emotions) or using a wooden plank as a bridge to cross the hole (but I lack the mental and emotional balance, so I keep falling in). But this also makes me angry as I've come to realize I've wasted so much of my energy and my time trying to "fix" the damn hole!

Recognizing and acknowledging my anger is something very new to me. The way I've dealt with anger in the past has been to remain silent, maintain a calm and cool exterior, never letting the ugliness of anger erupt. But I'm learning this isn't productive...the way I have been trying to manage and control my anger is eating away at me inside and taking up too much space. Someone recently talked about recognizing their anger and how they have learned to channel its energy and power. I would like to learn to do the same, and learn to express it in a healthier and productive way.

During moments like this, I look to other women who have struggled as a victim, conquered as a survivor and demonstrated what it means to be a thriver. Madonna recently revealed her own rape experience, her other struggles early in her career and how it made her feel, which you can read in the October 2013 Harper's BAZAAR Magazine:

"...But it was hard and it was lonely, and I had to dare myself every day to keep going. Sometimes I would play the victim and cry in my shoe box of a bedroom...And I wondered if it was all worth it, but then I would pull myself together and look at a postcard of Frida Kahlo taped to my wall, and the sight of her mustache consoled me. Because she was an artist who didn't care what people thought. I admired her. She was daring. People gave her a hard time. Life gave her a hard time. If she could do it, then so could I."

This and other experiences in her life has shaped her raison d'être: "If I can't be daring in my work or the way I live my life, then I don't really see the point of being on this planet."

I find strength in her words...in her enduring belief and choice to dare. I believe this may be my way out from my own anger and to move onto the next chapter of The Hole in My Sidewalk. Because if Madonna can do it, then so could I.

...and sometimes life catches you off guard...

Walk it off

Chasing madness...

I hate this kind of vulnerable

There's a Hole in my Sidewalk

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